I Trust You
“I trust you.”
You know the scene: its the climax of a die-hard-style action movie where one character is forced to choose whether or not to place their lives in the hands of another. “Do you trust me?!” Their lives hang in the balance.
Trusting your therapist can feel just like this: life or death. If we have had people break our trust in the past it causes our nervous system to kick into survival mode. Imagine a little baby: their very lives depend on their caregiver – for food, warmth, safety and belonging. We are born to want to trust other people, but trust requires safety. But for many of us, we learn that parts of us need to stay hidden in order not to be judged, or we stay silent to avoid wrath, or maybe we have been in actual physical danger. The worst is when that danger comes from the person who is supposed to be the one protecting us.
Our fight, flight and freeze instincts warn us to stay hyper-alert and on guard for this danger, and if those systems are activated for too long it is difficult to turn them off – even when we are with safe people. We are unable to lean back and really trust that the other person has our best interests at heart and will be able to hold our whole selves with love.
Experiences of having our trust broken is a part of what can bring so much anxiety for us when we start therapy. We are coming in with the anticipation of exposure: putting our stories, our pain, our longings and our hearts out in the open and into the hands of another. We are there to be seen. This is the essence of vulnerability. For some people, trust grows and anxiety lowers quickly, and for others, the more vulnerable you become and the more you want to trust, the more these fight/flight/freeze instincts go into overdrive to protect you. This is normal.
The beautiful thing is that your nervous system can learn to relax and lean back into safe relationships over time. First, just get it out in the open. Notice that, although your mind may think you are safe, you body feels unsafe and isn’t so sure. It’s important to make space for both your logical brain and the sensations in your body warning you not to trust. Both are trying to help you. Second, if you believe you are with a safe person, try to take a longer deep breath and help you body (nervous system) relax. Third, tell your therapist about how hard it is to trust them – this shifts the dilemma from you vs. them to the two of you working on your safety together.
Rachel Lund started Self Space out of the deep belief in the power of therapy to change people’s lives from the inside out. Her hope is to help people find more safety, care and love in their lives. Rachel is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Clinical Supervisor in Washington state, and focuses on treating clients through a neuropsychotherapy approach to therapy that connects mind+body.