When Should You Seek Out Couples Therapy? The answer is in the asking.

**please note that the terms couple(s) and partner(s) used herein are applicable to any and all consensual relationships. This includes consensual poly or non-monogamous relationships** 

When should you seek out couples therapy? It’s a common question and one that many blog posts and news articles have already attempted to answer. Many of these present the reader with lists of signs or reasons a couple might want or need to seek support through couples therapy. That’s not an unreasonable approach, but I want to take a different one: When should you seek out couples therapy? Whenever you want, or whenever it occurs to you. Put another way: there’s no wrong time to seek couples therapy.

Many sources that address this question encourage the reader to reflect on the level of distress in their relationship. Are you arguing all the time or having the same argument over and over? Are you feeling disconnected, feeling like intimacy is lacking, unhappy with your sex life? And so on. All of these are good reasons to seek couples therapy. However, distress in the relationship is not a requirement for couples therapy. In fact, a lot of really wonderful work can happen in couples therapy when a couple does not feel like they are in distress or when the distress they feel is about something external to the relationship. Do you want a designated time and space to explore your thoughts and feelings together? Do you want help fostering a deeper sense of understanding and connection between yourself and your partner? Do you need a safe and holding space to process some shared challenge or transition? These are all excellent ways to utilize couples therapy. There is a lot of strain and hurting in the world in these uniquely hard times and that makes seeking space to connect more deeply and to turn towards one another with care and open-hearted curiosity all the more important. 

What keeps people from going to couples therapy?

I can’t talk about this topic without highlighting one thing I so frequently see preventing couples from utilizing couples therapy at all, and that’s stigma. For many people, couples therapy goes hand-in-hand with the idea of a relationship on the edge of destruction. People tend to think that couples therapy is for couples who have experienced a major breach of trust, for those who fight constantly or hardly speak at all, or for those who are considering break-up, separation, or divorce. This can lead people to feel that couples therapy isn’t right for them because they are not experiencing those kinds of circumstances and/or to worry that utilizing couples therapy will signal that their relationship really is in a state of disrepair. While it’s true that couples therapy can be very useful for couples who are struggling in those ways, it is in no way exclusively intended for couples experiencing those kinds of difficulties. Some good news about this is that it seems like this stigma is slowly but surely starting to fade. As with other areas of mental health, more and more people seem to be rejecting the stigma in favor of accessing services that support them well. And, as more people do this-- and talk about it with others more openly-- the stigma loses power and we develop a new sense of what is normal, healthy, and helpful in our lives. 

Another common barrier that is important to briefly note is the commonly-held idea that couples must know exactly what they are looking for from couples therapy when they seek it out. This isn’t necessary. If you do have some sense of what you want to focus on or what you want support around, that’s wonderful. But, it’s also totally fine to let prospective therapists know that you’re not exactly sure what you’re wanting or needing and that you’re interested in exploring that very thing in the therapy. Some couples therapists offer more specific, tailored types of therapy, but there are many who are available to do this broader exploratory work. If it is unclear from a therapist’s website or bio whether or not they do this work, it is always ok to contact them and ask. 

So, to make a long story short, if you find yourself asking the question, “Should my partner and I seek out couples therapy?”, the answer is in the asking. If it’s on your mind, some part of you is curious about what the space of couples therapy could offer. Trust that part and give it a try.  

See related: What is Prepare/Enrich Premarital Therapy? Part I, Part II, and Part III