Grieving the End of a Relationship

Losing a relationship can be one of the most painful things in life — and being in a close relationship can also bring some of the peaks of our existence. Moments when you laugh so hard your belly throbs as you desperately try to catch your breath. We share our most real and vulnerable parts of ourselves, some of our best and worst times, and sometimes our most shame-filled parts. We form deep bonds with those we love and when those bonds break, it can be unbearably painful. If you’re experiencing the end of a relationship, particularly a romantic one, here are some ways to engage with your grief and care for yourself through the pain.

1. Connect with Others

First, reach out to a few of your most trusted friends and those you feel safe with. You will need extra support during this time and that’s ok. Lean on them. Be honest about what you’re going through and feel free to let people know what you need. Have conversations about how people can support you during this time. Set up coffee dates. Invite people to watch a movie with you. Text someone when you’re feeling sad. You will need other people through this time.

2. Allow for time and space

Give yourself the time and space to grieve and to heal. Recognize this is going to be a process and will take some time. Grief doesn’t have a timeline or a linear route. Allow for all of the ups and downs, backwards and forwards. Let yourself go through the full range of emotions and to feel everything that comes up. Allow yourself to be sad, to cry, and to grieve. To rage and be angry. To long and reminisce. To reflect and grow. 

3. Take responsibility

Take responsibility for the parts you played in the ending, and give up the things you’re not responsible for. When relationships end, guilt can show up loud and all consuming. It’s so easy to find all of the ways you weren’t perfect or couldn’t offer what the other person was asking for. When this happens remember, relationships are always co-created. Both you and the other person played roles in whatever led to the rupture or ending of the relationship. It’s important to take the time to explore and take responsibility for your part so you can learn and grow, but it’s equally important you don’t take responsibility for the things that aren’t yours. 

4. And also give yourself plenty of compassion

Offer yourself loads and loads of compassion and empathy. And when you’ve done that, offer yourself more. Most likely, you were trying your best with what you knew at the time you knew it. It can be easier once you’re outside of the relationship to look back and see the things you could have done differently. You are going through your own process, compassionately let yourself be where you are in that process. 

5. Allow for all the memories - the good and the bad

Remember the good and remind yourself of the not so good. Seeing the relationship through rose-colored glasses is a real thing. It can be easy to remember the good parts or even romanticize the relationship. This happens because there were some very good things in the relationship. Things you miss. Things you might be longing for. You are going through the painful, beautiful process of grief because of how much you cared and how strongly you felt. It’s easy to forget the parts that were hard. The things that didn’t work. The aspects that led to the relationship ending. So here’s how you grieve it. Recognize what was really good. Cherish it. Feel the goodness of what was and the sadness and pain of what won’t be. Let the good parts be a reminder of why it was so hard to leave or why it’s so hard and painful now that it’s over. Then remind yourself of the reasons things ended. Remember the hard parts and the ways the relationship and your partner were not perfect. Remind yourself, how you’re viewing it now may be a skewed version of what it actually felt like to be in that relationship.

6. Build a new normal

Give yourself time to adjust. In a relationship, we not only get used to depending on a particular person, but we also build a life with that person. Life will now look different in so many ways. It may look completely different. It will take time to get used to all of those differences. You will  have to form new routines and get used to doing old ones without the person you used to do them with. You may have to move and adjust to living alone. You might have to find a new coffee shop or even learn a whole new neighborhood. So much will be changing. Know you will adjust eventually. It will become less foreign and less lonely. You will get used to your new life, however that looks, but it will take time. 

7. Take time to rest and cope - however that feels best

Give yourself breaks from feeling everything. Really feeling everything that comes up is vital to the grieving process, but you’ll need to give yourself breaks. Allow for distractions. Give yourself permission to not feel all of the feelings or ruminate on your relationship. Go for a walk. Spend time doing something you really enjoy doing. Try that new hobby. Plan a time with a friend. Get in your pj’s and watch your favorite movie. Eat that bowl of ice cream. Cope in whatever way you cope. And don’t beat yourself up if you're going to that “unhealthy” coping mechanism. It’s ok. You’re going through it. You’re coping because things are hard. Give yourself empathy for the ways you cope that you don’t like. You can work on those things when you’re not in the middle of grieving the loss of a relationship. 

There is no right or wrong way to grieve or process the end of a relationship. It is hard, painful, and at times messy. Remember that grief serves as a reminder for all of the love you hold for who you lost. Grief, when we spend enough time with her, connects us to the most painfully beautiful parts of being human. Grief will show you the beauty of things that once went unnoticed and allow you to cherish the simplest of moments. Grieve it. Feel it. Lean on other people. Take breaks. And go easy on yourself.