When Self-Care is No Longer Caring
What would happen if we look to social media to define what self-care is? We might stumble upon certain influencers’ morning routines that paint a curated picture. The type of content that showcases them peacefully waking up early to a beautiful sunny day in chic pajamas with not a hair out of place. Then proceeding to mindfully making matcha, meditating, journaling, exercising, taking a bubble bath, spending time in nature, and eating a homemade gourmet breakfast bowl, all before the work day begins. If this self-care marathon seems unappealing or unrealistic to you, then you’re not alone.
Now, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with these activities themselves. In fact, any of them could qualify as self-care. What becomes problematic is people thinking that this is the only way that self-care can look or that it has require lots of time and effort. It can reduce self-care to being prescriptive and impersonal rather than intuitive to what people actually need. All of this could lead to self-comparison, shame, feeling overwhelmed, unfulfilled, and even burnout! So how do we take self-care back and make sure it’s serving rather than hindering us? The first step is learning how to recognize the differences between impersonal self-care and intuitive self-care. The following shows some of the ways they can be different:
Impersonal Self-Care vs. Intuitive Self-Care
is forceful and rigid vs. is gentle and self-compassionate
ignores individual values, needs, and priorities vs. reflects who you are and what’s important to you
ignores barriers in your life vs. is realistic and works with barriers
promotes reliance on others to define what self-care should look like vs. encourages listening to inner wisdom and body signals
promotes a perfectionistic view of meeting all your needs all the time vs. acknowledges having limited capacity and the reality of having to de-prioritize some needs in order to prioritize others
often exclusively focuses on self-care in solitude vs. can include connecting with your community and relationships
promotes extreme commitment or consistency vs. is sustainable and flexible
sometimes implies you need to earn self-care by being productive vs. is based on the belief that you are inherently worthy of care
often excludes unstructured time vs. prioritizes rest and downtime as important
can feel performative or trendy vs. is more about how it makes you feel
is often overly reliant on buying things vs. also includes simple, free activities (like taking deep breaths, stretching, napping, etc.)
has the expectation of feeling luxurious vs. sometimes includes things you don’t want to do, but support your wellbeing (like doing the dishes or setting difficult boundaries)
Now that we know how to spot the differences, how do we take steps towards engaging in intuitive self-care? It can start with checking in with yourself and reflecting on the following:
What is here right now? Notice what body sensations, emotions, and thoughts are present. You can notice what immediately jumps out at you, or you can do a body scan to notice from head to toe what is happening in your present experience. This can inform the next step of figuring out what you need. Perhaps there is stiffness in your neck or hips and there is a need to move your body in some way, like stretching or going for a walk. Or maybe there’s a sense of dullness and you’re craving the need to do something fun out of your routine. There could be a sense of loneliness and a need to reach out to someone close to you or to engage in a spiritual practice that helps you feel connected.
What do I need? Given the sensations, emotions, or thoughts coming up, what would feel supportive? Sometimes there may be a sense of needing to lean into the emotion, whether that’s responding to fatigue with rest, to sadness with watching a sad movie to allow for a cathartic release. Or maybe there’s a sense of needing the opposite experience, like responding to feeling low with watching a stand-up comedy special or to inertia with dancing to a favorite energizing song.
What is accessible? This is an important follow-up to the previous reflection. Sometimes the ideal thing just isn’t in the cards and so there are compromises that need to be made. Maybe there’s a sense of needing a week off from all your responsibilities, but that just isn’t do-able at the present moment. Ask yourself, what would be the next best thing? What’s something that would make me feel even 1% better? Maybe you can’t take the week off, but maybe there are some things that can be taken off your plate, delegated, or even postponed if they are not absolutely essential. Maybe you can’t have a break lasting the whole week, but maybe you can introduce even a 5 minute or 15 minute break from your responsibilities and include some micro self-care.
What needs are a priority for me today or this week? As human beings, we have a lot of needs! And, it’s not always realistic to consistently meet all of them to the degree we’d like to at the same time. Maybe there’s a sense of exercise feeling really important to re-introduce into your life, but you’re finding that focusing on preparing meals feels like more of a priority and maxes out your capacity. Or maybe your social calendar has been full lately and there’s a need to place limits over the next week in order to prioritize sleep and downtime. Like a surfer, balance involves constantly rebalancing and shifting where you’re leaning. So check in with what needs to shift and become more of a priority in the near future and be open to de-prioritizing other things that exceed your capacity.
How do my interests and values inform unique ways to approach my self-care? Maybe you are an outdoor enthusiast and incorporating more time in nature is especially important for you. Or if certain types of self-care like exercise are challenging, look towards your interests to make the activity more fun. For video game enthusiasts, there’s an entire genre of fitness video games, or for sci-fi lovers there are apps combining zombies and superhero storytelling with running. Break the rules, break the stereotypes and be creative in making self-care fit you.
Some people may find that as they try to explore self-care, internal resistance comes up. If this is the case for you, feel free to bring it up in therapy. There can often be a lot of valuable therapeutic work to be done here. Exploring these internal and external barriers can even be one way of caring for yourself. Just as we all have a unique fingerprint, so too, will our self-care look unique to each and every one of us. Ultimately, we get to define what it looks like and what it means. And what a wonderful privilege that is! So exercise that freedom and put yourself back on the map, put yourself back into self-care.
Erin Sathyamoorthy is a Self Space Seattle therapist who specializes in working with people who feel stuck in negative beliefs about themselves, live with high levels of shame, or have experienced abuse.