When Self-Help is No Longer Helpful
Do you have a graveyard of past failed self-help books sitting dormant on your bookshelf? Different approaches for how to perfect your mental health, your body, your personality, your relationships, and to make life easy and always happy? It all starts with that rush of excitement and hope from finding something new that makes big promises. Then you feel energized while strictly following its exact recommendations, maybe even feeling a bit self-satisfied like you know this secret to life that others don’t. You may want to share it with anyone who will listen, only to have everything crumble again a few days or weeks later. Welcome to the compulsive self-help crash and burn cycle that many of us know so well.
What originally was meant to be helpful can end up being more harmful in the end. People’s finite time, energy, and financial resources can be continually exhausted on things that don’t work. Often people feel that they failed, rather than thinking the self-help failed them, and then are left with broken confidence and trust in themselves.
First off, let me be clear–not all books, articles, courses, programs, podcasts, and resources are created equal. There is information out there that could be helpful for you. But how do you sift through this vast sea of information when some of these resources originate from an exploitative, money-making industry trying to profit off of vulnerability? One approach is to first reflect on why you are reaching for this information and the second is to check for red flags in the material itself.
First Step: Find Your Why
Reflect on the following questions to get more clarity on your reasons for pursuing self-help material:
With what intent am I reaching for this?
Am I doing this to better support and understand myself from a place of inherent worthiness?
Or am I doing this as a way to fix myself to be good enough? If yes, what am I concerned would happen if I didn’t find a way to “fix” myself?
Is now the right time to absorb this information?
From reflecting on these questions, you’ll begin to get a feel for whether reaching for the self-help material is coming from a place of fear and impulsivity or self-love and growth. If it’s fear, this may be a fruitful topic to bring into your therapy to explore. If you find that the information itself wouldn’t actually serve you, you can stop here in the process. It’s also valid if there is an amazing book that comes well recommended by people you trust, but you currently find it too triggering to read. This response is information that it may be too soon, you’re going too fast, or you might need added support in therapy to process whatever is being triggered in order to safely absorb the material.
Second Step: Check for Red Flags
If you find after the first reflection that you are in a place where self-help material could help rather than hinder you, then you are ready to examine the quality of the material itself and how well suited it is for you and your unique circumstances. The following are some common red flags in self-help material:
Encourages strict adherence to their steps in a way that is extreme or unsustainable.
Disparages certain emotions as bad and presents an expectation of no longer having unpleasant emotions or insecurities once finished with their recommendations.
Proposes that they are the only “right” way.
Promises fast and easy results.
Bases material only off the author’s personal experience and still gives recommendations, without the support of any related education or research. While there can be a lot of value from reading someone’s personal experience, it’s important to notice if they overstep their knowledge area.
Over-promises that life will no longer be difficult after applying their suggestions.
Lacks a trauma-informed perspective when you have trauma in your history.
Neglects to address privilege when you are a part of an oppressed group and when this identity has an impact on the subject matter.
Doesn’t address a specific form of mental illness you live with when this likely impacts the subject matter.
If you notice a strong gut feeling or general hesitancy arise when you read the synopsis. Oftentimes we have intuitive responses before we are able to rationalize or verbalize why, so it’s important to also take these concerns into account.
If you notice only one or two red flags, this doesn’t necessarily mean you need to toss the book out. It’s important to weigh the potential value with the potential harm. If there’s still a good amount of value to be gained and it feels worth it to you, then proceed, but with a critical eye. It’s okay to take what works for you and to leave what doesn’t. You may have personal red flags not included on this list or other areas of vulnerability that also need to be protected. Feel free to reflect on what those might be for yourself to build in added safeguards.
With these steps you can learn to push pause on the compulsive self-help crash and burn cycle and instead engage in something more valuable. For people who are running towards self-help to escape from not feeling good enough, this can be an invitation to understand and have compassion for wounded parts of themselves and to realize that meeting themselves here is the next step of healing. For others it’s about developing the skill to become more discerning in choosing what sources of information they could benefit from. Coming from this place of intentionality can be empowering and clarifying. You might even find that changing your relationship with self-help, changes your relationship with yourself.
Erin Sathyamoorthy is a Self Space Seattle therapist who specializes in working with people who feel stuck in negative beliefs about themselves, live with high levels of shame, or have experienced abuse.