Attachment: Finding security in intimate relationships and our sense of self
Attachment seems to be a recent buzzword, as many books and podcasts seek to decipher how certain puzzling emotional and behavioral patterns seem to replicate themselves in one relationship after another. But what is attachment and how does it make sense of how we connect and communicate with others?
In a very basic sense, attachment is our innate desire to feel safe in our close relationships and goes back to the way we learned to respond to our caregivers in early childhood. As infants, we depend on our caregiver for survival, and it is in this vulnerable space that we learn how social connection can result in having our needs met. Using the limited tools of crying and cooing, we reach for our loved one and ask that they reach back to respond to our call for attention and to cultivate a sense of safety. It is in these early years that we learn how asking for what we need will typically be responded to, and this sense of security affects how we see ourselves and others as we grow up.
Fast forward to adolescence or emerging adulthood where many of us begin seeking intimacy with people other than our parents, and we use this basic framework of attachment to predict how others will react to our calls for connection. If we have learned that others will respond to our needs in an appropriate manner—attunement, affection, safety—then we have a secure attachment style and are more comfortable asking for our needs to be met. If we have learned that others may ignore, neglect, or react unpredictably to our calls, then we may have an anxious or avoidant attachment style which leaves us feeling open and exposed when honestly asking for what we need or want. We lack a sense of safety in ourselves and with others.
How does communication go awry so quickly?
“Securely attached people are said to have the best sex lives. ”
We are hardwired to predict others’ behavior to keep ourselves safe and if we sense danger, which happens frequently for people with insecure attachment styles, we close ourselves off to real connection and the moments of vulnerability required to sustain relationships. Insecurity often translates to a lack of trust, so we can lose our ability to say how we are honestly feeling when we are feeling overwhelmed. When this happens, our executive functioning falters, and we fall back onto what we know best: our familiar pattern of social interaction. Even these patterns result in disconnect, at least it’s predictable.
Our brains process external stimuli extremely quickly by interpreting micro-expressions such as gestures, tone of voice, and eye movements. Specialized brain cells called mirror neurons process these signals faster than we can consciously realize and seek to respond similarly. Coupled with our own heightened breath or heart rate, we begin to make assumptions about what is raising the anxiety in the room and this often leads to the confirmation of our secret beliefs that we are being rejected, abandoned, or are unlovable. We lash out or we push our partner away to counter those fears and protect ourselves from further hurt.
Implications of disconnect
Attachment wounds from childhood remain triggers for ourselves into adulthood and can be a barrier for intimacy, healthy body image, and the ways in which we perceive ourselves in all aspects of our lives. Securely attached people are said to have the best sex lives, as they are fully able to engage with the experience, to be immersed in their emotional and physical experience without being overwhelmed by negative self-talk and can trust in their partner to meet their needs. Insecurity often leads to disassociation from the full body-mind experience of sex as it can bring up negative thoughts about body image, obsession over performance, and a general flood of anxiety which brings us out of our sensory awareness. One might say that insecure attachment is the greatest mood killer and determent from pleasure.
Similarly, insecure attachment can affect the way we see ourselves in our professional lives and can lead to perfectionism, chronic imposter syndrome, and heaps of self-doubt. This lack of trust in others is replicated in our posture towards ourselves and can affect our ability to view ourselves positively or have confidence that we are right for whatever role we are in. It can lead to burnout, fear of creativity, poor leadership skills, and a general lack of self-worth.
How do we fix insecure attachment?
If you want to address attachment within a partnership, couples therapy can be a powerful tool for rebuilding a secure attachment and beginning within your relationship. If you are experiencing disconnect, anger, sexual dysfunction, or communication difficulties with each other, examining your attachment styles is a great first step to understanding how your internal experiences playing out between you. Try putting words to the anxiety, fear of rejection, and self-doubt you experience during sex or in the middle of a fight, and you may be surprised that your partner feels much the same way.
If you prefer to work individually, an attachment-minded therapist will be able to help you explore how childhood wounds affect your ability to connect with others within or without the confines of a relationship. Our relationship with our self is the longest and perhaps the most important relationship we will ever have. Attachment affects our sense of self, and it is this inner child that we are seeking to heal through giving it the attention and affection it has longed for.
So pay attention to your experience and be curious about that voice that brings anger, doubt, or worry. It may be seeking love rather than a fight and listening to it could bring about an entirely new way of moving through the world.
Caitlin Minniear is a Self Space Seattle therapist who helps people navigate complex relational issues involving trauma, depression, anxiety, acculturation, chronic illness, and life transitions. She also works with individuals exploring sexuality, gender, and identity and dealing with grief, loss, and transgenerational trauma.