I suspect most of us will remember 2020 as the year that certainty suddenly collapsed: our daily routines, our relationships with others, and our sense of social stability disappeared overnight. We have, hopefully, adapted and found the structure and security we need. It is worth pausing, however, to ask: what have we learned about living with uncertainty, and how can we carry these lessons forward into our lives in 2021?

The uncertainty of 2020 was in some ways a pervasive crisis of safety. Overnight, the people, places, and things that organized our lives became potential sources of serious illness. We became threats to others with the possibility of asymptomatic transmission. Continuing to live and grow in 2021 means finding ways to feel safe, secure, and grounded in spite of chronic uncertainty. Indeed, contemporary research on trauma shows that our mental health is fundamentally connected with our embodied sense of safety and well-being. (Porges, 2020). Uncertainty, unfortunately, doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. But we can learn to relate to it in ways that help us feel more safe, secure, and in control.

Feeling Safe with Ourselves: Bodies and Routines

The experience of safety is fundamentally an embodied experience. When we feel at ease in a situation there is ease in our bodies: we sit comfortably, we are able to look at the people and things around us, we can feel our bodily sensations and think more or less clearly. Feeling unsafe, by contrast, leads to constriction and tension in the body: tight shoulders, shallow breathing, avoidance of eye contact, disconnection from bodily sensation, and difficulty focusing. Thus as we navigate uncertainty it is important that we attune ourselves to the embodied experience of safety. That small twinge in our stomach or tightening of our chest might be a good source of information about how we are doing. This also means that the seemingly small things are crucial: diet, sleep, breathing, and exercise are essential parts in creating a feeling of security and groundedness.

Feeling Safe with Others: Social Contact and Emotional Regulation

The pandemic and uncertainty of 2020 created unique challenges for feeling safe in relation to others. Porges (2020) notes that human beings rely heavily on others for emotional co-regulation: that is, face-to-face, warm, human interaction has a measurable impact on our nervous systems. Speaking with others in safe and connected ways literally regulates our heart rate, breathing, and physiological markers of stress. Social contact is a central way we all stay physically and mentally well. The pandemic, however, suddenly made others not only unavailable, but unsafe. To see a friend or family member suddenly means a host of safety precautions: masks, distancing, and quarantines. As we continue to seek intimacy with others in 2021 we can keep in mind the paradoxical challenge in front of us; we are seeking others to feel safe and connected, while others are also a source of danger. Attend to your embodied feeling of safety, and don’t be afraid to ask for what you need to feel safe: “yes, I need you to wear a mask;” “no, I’m not comfortable spending time inside;” or “can we please try to keep six feet distance?” Safety is unique to each person, so don’t be afraid to listen to yourself (check in with your body!) and ask for what you need to feel secure.

Feeling Safe in Society: Living with Political Instability

Lastly, the pandemic and the political events of 2020 revealed the instability of the social-political situation. It is more important than ever to be paying attention to and engaging with politics. But it is also important to develop healthy boundaries with politics. Think of politics like a slightly too pushy friend. You can say to them: “I am committed to working this through with you, I am happy to talk with you about this tomorrow when it is time, but you can’t call me about this stuff at 11pm. I’m in bed.” It is okay, in other words, to not be consumed by politics, to allow it to be a part of life, but not the whole of life. Feeling secure in our lives may mean having boundaries around engagement with social instability. I know it is a privilege to be able to adopt this distance, but I hope that everyone can find some reprieve from these pressures.

Staying Safe

In 2021 we can go forward, into uncertainty, knowing that what we can do is attune ourselves to our own felt experience of safety and comfort. Because it seems to me that the problem isn’t so much uncertainty (when are things not uncertain?), but chronic fear, anxiety, and stress. Here I have tried to offer a few thoughts on how to feel more safe and secure in spite of uncertainty. We can focus on our own bodies and routines, on cultivating safe relationships with others, and on establishing healthy boundaries with the larger social-political situation.

References:

https://www.clinicalneuropsychiatry.org/download/the-covid-19-pandemic-is-a-paradoxical-challenge-to-our-nervous-system-a-polyvagal-perspective-2/

Riley Paterson is a Self Space Seattle therapist who works with individuals who are healing from past traumas; who are looking to recover a sense of wholeness in the face of depression and demoralization, and those working to get a handle on anxiety. He is also interested in questions around queerness and/or gender.