“Nobody messes with the holidays!” a client of mine lamented last week.  She is right: for better or worse, we rarely mess with our sacred annual rituals at this time of year.  2020 is clearly the exception - as most traditions are turned upside down or cancelled, and we are all attempting to adjust and figure out how to make these days special despite the pandemic.  

And there is no singular way people are experiencing this upheaval: for some, this leaves them deeply sad or angry; this is the best time of the year and they can hardly wipe the smile and frosting off their faces.  Its a time of celebrating family, love, support and pleasure.  For others they are heaving a massive sigh of relief and feeling the burden of familial expectation lift.  This is a season of stale family dynamics driving them crazy and social obligations that leave them bored before they start. (Holiday BINGO, anyone?).  They feel an increase in isolation and a sense that their loneliness is highlighted this time of year.

For many of us, it is a mix of all of the above.  Whichever way you lean, the holidays can be a place where we go on autopilot and rituals can turn into reruns without meaning.   This year, with no autopilot available and without the context of these gatherings (Aunt Betty’s house), we are being asked to hold up each tradition to the light and look into its core, asking “What does this moment mean for myself and our family?  Is this important to me that I keep this tradition alive?”  2020 provides a rare opportunity to reclaim the meaning behind our traditions: to let go of stale habits and reimagine celebration and tradition.  

In their essence, the holidays are about our experience of belonging; they are a way of setting aside time to be together.  Meals, gifts, music: they revolve around gathering with those with whom we share our lives.  

I suggest you sit down with your family and ask:

• What are the rituals we have to let go of this year?  Notice as you list them if this brings grief or relief.  Which traditions bring a smile and a feeling of energy?  If you feel grief around particular traditions it likely means this is one you enjoy, so see if there is a way to keep a part of it alive, even virtually.  Let yourself mourn the loss of familiar context of the tradition in order to make room for reimagining.  Ask yourselves: How can we be flexible with this tradition this year, and find a way to stay connected to the heart of it and to each other?  A great resource here is Priya Parker, author of the book “The Art of Gathering: How we Meet and Why It Matters” and host of the New York Times Podcast “Together Apart.”  Each episode of her podcast explores one person's way of hosting and gathering during COVID.

• What are the rituals we can keep?  Notice as you list them which bring joy and which bring disappointment or a sense of obligation.  This is helpful information to uncover whether that particular tradition is meaningful or has become stale and simply habit.  Notice which traditions bring the most joy and sense of belonging, and lean heavily into those - set aside meaningful time to let those moments be full.  

Relationship guru Esther Perel points out that at the heart of time together is our ability to see one another and show delight and gratitude.  So, however you end up celebrating this year, make it a point to stop with the people you are with, look them in the eye, and tell them what you cherish and appreciate about them.  We all need to be seen, but maybe this year we can see and be seen with new eyes.

Rachel Lund started Self Space out of the deep belief in the power of therapy to change people’s lives from the inside out. Her hope is to help people find more safety, care and love in their lives. Rachel is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Clinical Supervisor in Washington state, and focuses on treating clients through a neuropsychotherapy approach to therapy that connects mind+body.